LOTR: The Insane Parody World
by Smashing Pumpkins Head
Summary: Chapter 3 up, please review. This story that contains chaotic characters, random events, and uhm insanity that just happens to follow the plot of LOTR. You've been warned. I'd say the main character is Legolas.
1. I'm a pot roast!

LOTR PARODY WORLD! 

Chapter 1: I'm a Pot Roast!

**Ok, this story was written three years ago when I was twelve, and I forget my old e-mail and what not, so I've decided to repost, edit, and continue my weird LOTR parody. Please review if you get the chance. Oh and nothing LOTR belongs to me.**

**All the Fellowship** has just been appointed the task of helping Frodo destroy the Ring after a

hectic council. So far, Elrond has gone psycho and smashed all objects in sight with rage for no

apparent reason. Well, it might be because Pippin and Merry are trying to eat all the Elven furniture,

for they had just watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Or maybe it's because Legolas is

complaining about the hair products supplied in his room. Or maybe it's because Aragorn is thumb

wrestling with himself. Another factor could have been Gandalf randomly shouting soup ingredients

during the important parts of conversation. Or Boromir pretending to be in a racecar, complete

with sound effects and such. Sam and Frodo where playing with sock puppets, and the show

tended to get a bit violent. Gimli was demonstrating how sharp his axe was on everyone's jewelry

even though they where wearing it. The other people present started doing whatever they wanted

as well, causing the council to end entirely a few hours earlier then Elrond had intended.

"**Woohoo! Now that that crap is over with I can tend to my nail filing**", Legolas proclaimed.

"Aren't we supposed to be doing something?" Boromir asked, as he was still pretending to race in

his chair. "I think something about trying to destroy a ring but …", said Frodo, while eating

doughnuts while fiddling the Ring in his fingers. "Yea that's it, let's go!" Aragorn proclaimed. So the

Fellowship all get up and head for Mordor, scattering in random directions that they think Mordor

could be located in. "Hey guys, what should I title my new book?" Pippin asked. "I know! Barbie

Saves Her Easy Bake Oven!" Legolas shouted. "No. Just…no!" Pippin yelled. He then stared at

Legolas with a dirty look.

**All of the Fellowship** finally decided to head off in one direction, lead by Aragorn. "My feet hurt,"

Gimli whined. "Shut up Gimli, everyone hates you!" Merry shouted angrily. Aragorn sighed. "May I

kill him?" he asked, looking more serious then Gimli had hoped. Suddenly Legolas jumped in front

of everyone and curled up into a ball. "I'm a pot roast!" he exclaimed. Everyone ignored this, they

had pretty much gotten used to everyone acting like idiots already. After tripping over several logs

with his huge feet, Sam decided to piss Frodo off. "Mr. Frodo…" he said, watching Frodo for a

reaction. "Don't call me that!" Sam tried to keep from laughing. "But Mr. Frodo…" Frodo's face

turned random colors. "Can we get to Mordor so we can send Sam bungee jumping into Mt.

Doom?" Sam tripped over a stump. "BEEF! Oh I mean, yea. Everyone hates Sam too." Gandalf

exclaimed, coming out of his soup ingredient-chanting trance. Sam whimpered like a deranged dog.

"I'm hungry", Merry stated. "Do your batteries ever go dead?" Aragorn asked, kicking at twigs.

"Like, I guess not but my hair is like, being damaged by tiny bacteria thingies! HELP!" Legolas

yelled, causing Gimli to snicker. Pippin looked around, realizing Boromir was gone. "Where's

Boromir?" Everyone looked behind them, only to find Boromir a few feet back. He had just hidden

something behind his back. "I SMELL FOOD!" Merry yelled, sprinting toward Boromir. "Look!

He has like, ice cream put in disposable paper plates wrapped in a rubber band with cheap plastic

spoons!" Legolas said, using his elven eyes to spot it. Everyone gives Legolas a confused glance,

then attacked Boromir with their weapons. Legolas shoots arrows into him at an amazing speed.

They get up, realizing they've killed Boromir and that Legolas did something smart. "Uhm, the Orcs

did it?" Legolas purposed. "Yea…" The fellowship happily ate the food and then got up to

continue on.

"**I lost my lint!" Legolas shouted**. "Shut up!" Pippin yelled, and sprinkled salt in Legolas' perfect

hair, causing him to run around screaming like a little girl. At this point, Aragorn is to busy banging

head on wall to notice anything or say anything. "Well, I can tell you one thing", Frodo said. "What,

Mr. Frodo?" Sam inquired. "I WANT MY MOMMY!" Frodo screamed at the top of his lungs

while stamping on Sam's large foot. Suddenly chaos breaks loose, Merry and Pippin have laughing

spasms and roll around, while Legolas is still throwing a fit. Gandalf and Gimili argue over how they

should have been born blonde. Legolas hears this and screams "BREAK DANCIN' WEASEL!"

and imitates a weasel. Suddenly Aragorn gets up, with bruises on his forehead from savagely

beating his own forehead with a rock. "Uh, OK… We had better be going now, before someone

gets killed by the gnomes", Aragorn exclaimed.

"**Gnomes? Where!**" Pippin cried. Suddenly a wild pack of random lawn gnomes attack a can of

ravioli that they obviously brought it with them for show. "What the f-," Merry exclaimed. Suddenly

Frodo gets up and whacks Sam across the head with a 129 lb. phone book, which barely affects

him. "Wowie Mr. Frodo your strong!" Sam said, staring in admiration at Frodo as Frodo walks

away while ripping his own hair out. Legolas then kicked a lawn gnome that is still rabidly attacking

the can of Chef Boyardee ravioli, causing it to growl menacingly.

"**Oh, it likes me**!" he announced, then he walked over to give the gnome a hug. "Uh…oh!"

Everyone watched as the lawn gnome kicks Legolas' little blonde arse. "Mommy, wow! I'm a big

kid now!" Frodo announced, after witnessing the event. Aragorn rolled his eyes and took out an

old, battered copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. "Wow, we're really stupid in this book. We go

through a giant sucky cave built by dwarves just to get to a crumby Elf land place…Lothlorien I

believe. Let's skip the cave and go to Elf land!" he exclaimed. "The greasy-haired ranger has a

point. Let's go!" Frodo cried, receiving a dirty look from Aragorn and a snicker from everyone

else. Then magically a Star Wars pod racer came out of no where, and everyone boarded it

without questioning the almighty powers of the author. They where headed for Lothlorien.

**I'm sorry if the first chapter is utterly stupid but I must keep it the way it was. Thanks for reading and hopefully I'll get some new reviews up.**


	2. Messed Up Gifts from Lorien

LOTR PARODY WORLD!

Chapter 2: Messed Up Gifts from Lothlorien

**The Star Wars pod is carrying all of the Fellowship**, excluding Boromir who has died a painful death over ice cream. The pod

crashes into a 100 million year old tree, and the tree bursts in flame that spreads through a section of Lothlorien. Not seeming to notice

the blazing Elf lands on the side of them and a thousand elves screaming in terror, they sit down to gather themselves before seeing the

Elf Queen. Aragorn takes out his copy of the Fellowship. "Well, we weren't supposed to kill Boromir until the end but anyway who

wants a greedy guy from Gondor walking around?" Aragorn asked. "Not me! Hey can I see that?" Legolas asked, eyeing the book.

"Can you read?" Gimli asked and began snickering. Legolas gives him a death glance and grabs the book. Suddenly his eyes light up and

he points to his name wherever he can find it. "Oh lookie it's me! There's my name! Everyone look! I'm in this book! Hey that rhymed…

L-E-G-O- L-A-S! YAY! Wait no isn't it L-E-G-A-L-A-S? Wait no… WAH! I'm confused! WAH!" Legolas moaned, receiving

annoyed eye-rolls from everyone. Then they all got up and walked to the remaining side of Lothlorien where evidently the Elf Queen

lived. "I heard she's psycho and has random spasms", Aragorn whispered. "Yea I know her! I'm sure she'll be happy to see me!"

Legolas beamed.

**Galadriel and Celeborn come walking down the stairs**. Galadriel glanced around. "Uh, welcome. Oh Gandalf is supposed to be

dead…AND OH GOD NOT HIM!" Galadriel screamed pointing at Legolas. She then ran and tried to fling herself off the high stairs that

led to her palace thingy, but Celeborn pulled her back and gave her a lolly pop. Legolas decides to do a random dance and accidentally

knocks Gandalf into a pit next to him. "COOL!" he exclaimed. "AH! Help! I'm going to die in this pit in which that blonde retarded elf

pushed me into!" Gandalf cried while falling to his doom. "Ok, that works just fine…" Galadriel said. "Oh look a cool bird bath!" Merry

pointed at the mirror of Galadriel. "BUBBLE BATH!" Legolas cries and jumps into the mirror. "That's not the first time he's done

that…", Galadriel sighed. "HELP! I'm dead!" Gandalf screamed from far below. Everyone looked at the pit and began throwing rocks

down it to ensure themselves that Gandalf was dead. Then they all looked up, realizing that Gimli has Legolas hanging over the same pit.

"DIE! Bwahahahaha!" Gimli cackled evilly and cut the rope. "Lalalala! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FUN! HAHAAAAAAAA!" Legolas

screamed while falling to his death, clapping his hands the whole way down. "LEGOLAS! What are you doing falling to your death?"

Aragorn screamed down the pit. "I don't know!" Legolas said excitedly, then continued clapping. Aragorn threw him a long elven rope,

and Legolas looked at the rope very confused. "A SNAKE!" He screeched and began flailing his arms around, trying to get away. "It's

a rope, grab it!" Frodo yelled. "Ohhh!" Legolas climbs up the rope, making his own heroic theme music. "Can I have a Dixie cup?" he

asked, and when he reached the top he seemed to forget what happened.

"**OK…Time for the gifts…**_**aka leftover crap from the party**" _Galadriel whispered that last part to Celeborn, who randomly began to

gnaw at his own arm. Pippin got a joke book. "HAHA! Listen to this one: Why did the chicken cross the road?" he asked loudly. "Oh I

don't know…Maybe to get to the other side?" Aragorn said. "HAHAAAAAA! How'd you know?" Pippin asked with a baffled look.

Aragorn got Elvish Loriel Shampoo. "Are you trying to tell me something?" he asked angrily. "Well, your hair is like, all yucky and

greasy, unlike mine, haha", Legolas remarked. "MY HAIR IS NOT GREASY! AND I DON'T NEED SHAMPOO!" Aragorn yelled,

stamping around. "Yes, it is and yes, you do", everyone said in unison. Gimli was given stilts, which he wears, trips over them and crashes

to the ground. Merry and Pippin are given magical food dispensers, and they press all the buttons 50 million times and eat all the food in

one bite. Frodo is given the light of Elendiel or whatever it's called. "Man, they get all the good stuff!" Frodo moaned. Sam is given a

crappy plastic cooking set, which he enjoys anyway. Legolas is given…lint. He danced around with joy, screaming "Wahoo!"

**Aragorn got up and pulled over a few crappy boats on the river beside them**, and chucked his shampoo in the first boat.

"Everyone get in a !#$ing boat now! We're leaving this !#$ing place right now!" he yelled. "Whatever, you ungrateful grease ball",

Galadriel said under her breath and watched them go, sporting a creepy smile while waving continuously. In the boats, Frodo was

blabbing about how Galadriel kept staring at him menacingly and Sam was getting worried. No one heard Galadriel throw a fit and

scream like a mad person because she finally realized that most of her home land had been destroyed by the Fellowship. "Row, row, row

your boat gently down the stream! Merrily, Merrily, Merrily life is pot a dream!" Legolas sang at the top of his lungs. Gimli was in the

same boat as Legolas and so Gimli jumped off the boat screaming "I'll swim! I can't take it any more!" that was followed by Legolas

practicing his aim on Gimli from the boat.

**A few hours later heroic theme music begins to play**, and the Fellowship approaches the two giant statues of those dead dudes. "I'm

related to those guys!" Aragorn said proudly. Suddenly the statue on the right began to scream "HAHA! DUHH!" and the second statue

joined in. "2 + 29854090947! Apples are the color of mayonnaise! We like the Backstreet Boys! Hey Aragorn, let's sing some of their

songs like old times! I WANT IT THAT WAY!" the statues chanted in unison, and then broke out into one of the boy band's songs. "I

mean…I don't know those guys and am not related to them at all!" Aragorn said, shifting his eyes around. Everyone began to point and

laugh at Aragorn who decided to pretend to be asleep.

**Legolas whipped out a green leather book and a scented crayon**. _Dear Diary…everyone is really icky and hasn't bathed in_

_days and I hate being seen with them. Luckily I was just able to wash my hair. Anyway, that fat dwarf jumped off the boat _

_when I sang my beautiful version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and I think he might have drowned. Yay! One time when I was _

_in Mirkwood the other elves gave me drowning lessons so I am prepared. Yay, DROWNING LESSONS! I hope I get to practice! _

_Love 3, Legolas. _He put down his book and fell asleep. Everyone else was content in their boats, except maybe Frodo. He had to put

Sam in a backpack and throw him overboard because he kept trying to sleep too close to Frodo. Oh and maybe Aragorn felt

uncomfortable because Merry and Pippin where singing Backstreet Boys in horrid with a karaoke machine. Galadriel had given them the

machine because they promised to annoy everyone with it. They did horrid impersonations of Green Day, The Goo Goo Dolls, and My

Chemical Romance. (Hehe I had to put that in). _This is going to be a long, long journey._ Aragorn thought to himself with a sigh.


	3. Employees Attack and Aragorn Goes Mad

Ok I just remembered this story, after what…a year? Er…here's the next chapter… 

Chapter 3: Employees Attack and Aragorn Goes Mad

**The boats landed on a crumby forest thing**. "Cool! Like, a forest thing!" Legolas exclaimed while jumping

off the boat. Aragorn pulled out the copy of the trilogy and flips the pages. "Ok…since we screwed up a whole

battle scene by killing Boromir, we'll just skip to the part where Merry and Pippin are captured" Aragorn

stated, causing the two hobbits to drop a plastic cup they where throwing at each other. "You two have to be

captured by Orcs. Legolas, Gimli, and myself will come and try to find you and what not", Aragorn said

bleakly. Legolas then walked up two inches in front of him and pulled back the two hobbits. "Found them! What

do I win?" Legolas asked happily. "NOTHING! They have to be captured first! Any questions?" Aragorn

asked with an annoyed glance at Legolas who was pouting. "Uhm, yea, where are the Orcs?" Pippin asked.

Suddenly a blinding light came from above and I, the authoress, float down on my wonderful cloud. "WHAT

THE !#$, THE WORLD ISCOMING TO AN END!" Merry screamed and threw himself behind a rock.

"Alright very funny. Get up, Merry before I kill you off within the next chapter!" I screamed angrily. "Ok, uhm I

couldn't afford Orcs so…we have…ehe, McDonalds employees hired for the job", I stated weakly and bit my

lip. Everyone looked around at each other and all burst out laughing. "Shut up!" I screamed and descended

back into the sky. "Don't worry Merry and Pip, they're just a bunch of wimps that didn't go to college!" Gimli

stated. The sound of McDonald's employee's sad sniffling could be heard. Then they came out from behind the

trees, trying to look fierce. A few where armed with spatulas, some with fry boxes. One was wearing a Burger

King Kids meal crown, which was kind of confusing. "Run, Pippin!" Merry shouted. Pippin was too busy trying

to order a Happy Meal from a very short employee to notice that he had just been thrown into a small sack and

put in a cage. The rest of the Fellowship sat back and ate popcorn until Legolas wanted it to snow and threw it

all up in the air. "Dammit Legolas, this a serious moment!" Aragorn yelled. Legolas decided to get up and lead

the employees in his version of the Cha Cha slide just to piss Aragorn off even more. Then they remembered

that they were supposed to capture the hobbits. "Hand over the small fries!" an Emo-looking employee

demanded. "Shut up, Hello My Name Is Mike" Merry said, reading out the name tag on Mike's shirt. "Behold,

my amazing McDonald food that could give you a mere heart attack!" Mike whipped out a Big Mac out of his

super tight Emo jeans that could probably fit your 9 year old sister and flung it on the ground. Everyone stared

at it lamely. "You Emo fag, go cry in the dark" Merry said, putting his hands on his hips so a large S appeared

on his shirt. No one was surprised to see Mike in tears, running home and tripping over random electronic

appliances that popped up under his feet. The rest of them followed because Goth kids were running after them

trying to kick their little Emo arses and were throwing death metal records at them.

**"CUT! That wasn't supposed to happen!"** I stated from my cloud in the sky. "Not my fault you hired

wimpy employees!"Merry sneered. "What am I going to do now?" I asked. "Well, you can take us to

McDonalds! Wait…Burger Kings better" Merry suggested. "Fine. I'll take the hobbits to Burger King. Actually,

Frodo and Sam, you guys oughta go destroy whatever that thing is. And Legolas and the rest better get to uh…

just go travel in a random direction and maybe gather an army or throwgrenades at children", I said and helped

Merry and the sacked Pippin onto my cloud and descended upwards again.

**Legolas jumped around for joy while singing about leprechauns.** He stopped and frowned. "No one gave

me my Dixie Cup yet!" he yelled. "I'd like to get rid of you" Aragorn said through gritted teeth. Gimli snickered

to himself, hoping that nobody would notice the huge "IM A DUMBASS" sign on Aragorn's back. Legolas

busted out laughing when he spotted it and began to gnaw on a stick. Aragorn sighed then sat down and began

watching Operah on a portable T.V. "Remember that one time we were in thecar and that hobo banged on the

glass so we shot at him?" Legolas asked. "Good times", Gimli grunted. "Shut up, it's a rerun

of the Tom Cruise jumping on the couch episode!" Aragorn growled. Legolas pushed two boulders together and

screamed like a mentally retarded otter. "COUCH!" he screeched, and then began jumping on it and flinging

sticks at everyone. Aragorn's eyesturned a demonic red color and he tackled Legolas to the floor and tied his

hair to a tree. Legolas screamed and cried loudly as the squirrels began to attack him. Gimli screeched in terror

and ran, afraid to inflict the wrath of Aragorn. Aragorn whipped out some pancake mix and began eating the

powdery batter, snickering to himself.

**Meanwhile at Burger King,** Merry had a Pippin toy in his Kid's Meal, Pippin a Merry toy, and me,

strangely, aMcDonald's employee toy. "Oh man! I got a Boromir toy!" a kid at the table near us whined. He

then pressed the button on the action figure 1,000,00 times, making it say "You carry the fates of us all little

one" insanely. The dead Boromir scowled in his grave from faraway. "Well that was…interesting" Pippin stated.

"Oh my god! It's Ronald McDonald!" Merry squealed, starring at a fat man dressed as the stupid McDonald's

mascot thing. "RONNIE, CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!" Merry squeaked, flailing a napkin and a

marker around in his hands. "What the…"Pippin trailed off, starring Merry as he proceeded to take

many snapshots of the guy in the suit. "Merry is so queer" I stated, and threw my nuggets in his direction.

**Back in the random forest**, Legolas and the gang were eating some disgusting elvish wafers after Legolas

had escaped from his treeish fate. It was hot out and Aragorn was becoming delusional again. He was mumbling

about how he should havebeen a cheerleader in a past life. "Over the hill and through the woods to

grandmother's house we go!" Legolas sang in aloud tone. He skidded to a halt, spotting a Chef Boyardee

wrapping squished in dirt on the ground. He jumped back and hissed loudly, then began preaching about the

terrors of Chef Boyardee ravioli for the next few hours. Gimli was half asleep andbarely said anything while he

fantasized about drawing a salamander on a tooth paste label. "This is the most pointless journey ever" Aragorn

yelled, his eyes twitching. "Yea, I know. So another thing you should stay away from is Chef Boyardee's

Beeforoni, it's high in salt and made my grandma sick, and two weeks later she died. Maybe it's because I put

nitroglycerin in her tea one morning…but that's a different story…"Legolas was rambling on. They then all sat

down again, deciding thatbreaks every 2 minutes was a good idea. As everyone drifted to sleep, Legolas

whipped out his diary and crayon. _Dear Diary, This journey sucks. Today was so boring and I'm getting _

_tired __of walking with these icky people. I guess it was cool since I almost got Gimli to swallow a beaver _

_because he __was talking about designing his own toothpaste label. I totally miss my cuddly teddy bear,_

_Bam Bam. Even __though I tore off his arms he's still my favorite toy. Well I better get to sleepy now, I'll _

_just make a new Bam Bam with some dirt. Love, Legolas._

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If for some reason you want another chapter, you have a really dumb sense of humor like me, you lovely person. If I get any reviews I'll edit/write the next chapter.


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